If you are thinking about seeking a diagnosis or have already received one and you are experiencing a complex set of feelings, read on.

Equally, knowing what your dear one is going through might help manage your relationship if you are a partner or a friend of someone in this situation.

Being diagnosed with ADHD, autism, or dyslexia in adulthood begins the process of acceptance that might be compared to the feelings we have when we grieve the death of someone close.

According to Susan Young, a therapist who designs programs helping people with ADHD, this process can be described in six stages:

initial relief and elation, confusion and emotional turmoil, anger, sadness and grief, and eventually accommodation and acceptance.

Initial relief and elation.

Most neurodivergent people admit persistent feelings of "not fitting in" throughout their lives. They usually describe it as being on the outside. They also feel like they have to do more work than others or that they cannot understand why the things that are so easy for their peers are impossible for them.

At some point, they start to blame themselves for their limitations without visible reasons. They become convinced that they are lazy, dumb, and odd.

Getting a diagnosis, especially at the beginning, removes the stigma of being weird, sick, or complicated. A person who receives a diagnosis finds that the odd things they do are typical for a specific condition. Moreover, many more people struggle similarly, and many books, podcasts, apps, and professionals are willing to help manage the condition. They are convinced they can change and live a better life.

Confusion and emotional turmoil.

After some time, a person who received a diagnosis starts to ask uncomfortable questions.

The whole structure of identity is scrutinised and analysed. People might ponder how much of their identity is due to their condition. The realisation sinks in that they have been masking throughout their lives. Now, when they are allowed to be "themselves", who are they supposed to be?

Often, diagnosis is being questioned. Maybe the person who did the assessment made a mistake, and they are just quirky, artistic, or energetic. If they accept the diagnosis, they might be unsure how to deal with the condition. Do they need medication, therapy, or coaching? Should they tell their employer about the diagnosis? Will that change people's approach towards them? Will they be able to enter into a successful relationship in the future? Will prospective partners be discouraged by the existence of the diagnosis?

Anger.

Anger appears when a diagnosed person thinks about all the times parents, teachers, doctors, and partners let them down. Why did no one notice? Why did they not act earlier? Why did they not pay attention? If they did, the past might have been different. Interventions might have been implemented, and better academic levels would have been achieved. Fewer issues with social interaction would lead to a fuller personal life. Some romantic relationships would be saved. Maybe a person would earn more, have no criminal convictions and have a stable family life.

Defenelty person was let down, and as a result, they did not reach their full potential. Now, it might be too late.

Sadness and grief.

It is impossible to change the past. The present might be discouraging. Suddenly, a person loses motivation and interest. They do not want to try treatments or apps, read books, or talk about their diagnosis. Dealing with everyday life is unbearable. There might be an adverse reaction to medication. Introduced strategies do not work. The person loses momentum. The realisation settles in that there will always be differences; there are some things you cannot change, and you have to face your limitations. Facing limitations hurts.

Accommodation and acceptance.

The person accepts the diagnosis and all its limitations. They develop realistic expectations regarding interventions and therapy. The person works with the challenges and celebrates limitations. The person let go of what could have been.

People who have been diagnosed or are seeking a diagnosis need support and an emphatic understanding of each stage of the acceptance process. Before introducing interventions, it is advisable to process feelings and express thoughts. Often, diagnosis is just the beginning of the journey.