In this entry:
You will get practical advice on discovering where your boundaries are.
To set comfortable boundaries, one has to look inside and consider needs and values.
This is challenging because sometimes we are far from our authentic selves.
It may be challenging to say that you do not want to travel because you may not know that you would like to spend more time at home.
You feel incredibly anxious about buying a new car but constantly consider investing in stock.
Again, do not comment on your partner changing plans at the last minute because being spontaneous is very important for them when being predictable is very important to you.
Well, how do you know what your needs are?
To make it easier, I use my favourite way: posing questions.
When working with clients, I divide their needs and values into four categories: physical, emotional, intellectual, and social.
When it comes to physical needs, the questions you would find helpful are:
- How much exercise do you need?
- What do you like to eat?
- When do you like to eat?
- What are your needs connected to touch and sex?
- How much sleep do you need?
- How do you like to rest? Do you have enough rest?
- Do you need your private space at home or in the office?
- How do you understand your property? Are you ok with others using or borrowing your property?
- What is the most comfortable distance that people should keep with you?
- Is there anything your partner/loved one does to your body that you do not like?
- Is there anything health professionals do to your body that you do not like?
When it comes to emotional needs, the questions you would find helpful are:
- What is the standard set of emotions that you feel?
- Who are you depending on in your life regarding emotional support?
- What emotions do you feel comfortable sharing?
- How do you feel when someone asks you questions about your feelings?
- Do you feel understood on an emotional level?
- How would you like people to respond to you when you are sad, angry, or anxious?
- Are you giving someone emotional support when you do not feel like it?
- How do you like to feel daily?
- Is there something in your environment that irritates or unsettles you?
- What is a comfortable way to express your emotions?
- Is there anyone who expects you to be in any particular mood?
- Do you expect that you will be in any specific mood?
- How do you deal with difficult emotions?
When it comes to intellectual needs, the questions you would find helpful are:
- How much intellectual stimulation do you need? Are you getting enough intellectual stimulation?
- What are your interests?
- Do you have someone to talk about your interests?
- What activities do you involve yourself in to get intellectually stimulated?
- Do you like to discuss various subjects with people, or would you rather not?
- What subjects are off the limits?
- Is it essential to share your intellectual activities with a loved one?
When it comes to social needs, the questions you would find helpful are:
How much social time do you need?
Do you like socialising in small or big groups?
What is the interval of time you are comfortable staying at social events?
What environment is the best for you to have social gatherings?
Would you like to have more friends?
How do you know that a social event is not for you and that you must leave?
How do you deal with people who are intrusive or you do not want to talk to?
How do you feel when leaving the event before everyone else?